I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
