I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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