I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
