there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
