I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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