Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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