Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
