Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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