fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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