She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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