Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
