Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
