stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
