everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
