So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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