We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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