she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Pooping to opera.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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