I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
