we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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