Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
