i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
