i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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