found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
