I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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