I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
