I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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