if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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