just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
