i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
