I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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