Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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