took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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