so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
