I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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