I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
