Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
