wanna go halves on a baby?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
