I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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