I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
