I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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