Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
