I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Randomize
