god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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