mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
