If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
