well I can't set my house on fire every night
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
