Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just invented taco cereal.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
