We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
