my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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