someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
