oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
