i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
