Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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