i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
