I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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