...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
