At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
