I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
thus making me awesome and them whores
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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