ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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