The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I pour the whiskey from now on
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
