Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
