Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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