just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
