Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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