i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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